just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
