why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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