He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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