his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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