yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dignity is for republicans.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
