im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
