Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
