I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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