Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Randomize
