The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
