i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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