I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
