you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize