I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
