I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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