I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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