I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
