Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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