We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
