I am spending my child support on dildos
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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