i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
