we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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