I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
