While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
