so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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