I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
