I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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