We need to rekindle our bromance
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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