either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
