i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
