so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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