Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
