I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You've changed since you got that strap on
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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