I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
