I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
