My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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