do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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