My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Nobody cheats on THIS.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
