no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
