loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
