Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
