She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
