i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
