A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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