listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
