Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
