he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
