Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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