Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize