she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
