my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize