Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Randomize
