God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
