Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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